The more I ponder on the "why's" and "how's" in my life, the more difficult it seems. I wonder how people live without thinking about such important questions? It should have liberated them from banging their heads against indestructible walls. I imaging myself just watching TV or hanging out with friends and not think about anything else... but NO! My brain works in it's peculiar way. I always pause and think about virtually every step I make.
For instance, why do I go to church and why am I a Christian? Why did I yell at my brother when I just could have said it calmly? How can I be a better person? Do I have anything good in me at all? Why when I'm just trying to question people's ideas, they think I go against them? Who am I?
These and other numerous questions are constantly bombarding my mind. I must read a lot to satisfy at least a portion of my curiosity. People think I'm a nerd, but it just happens that thoughts don't allow me to sit still. It's almost as if I'm possessed. I'm always in search of truth. Oh, truth... When I'm trying to reach for it, it seems farther away. It's like a horizon which is always somewhere out there. The truth should set me free, but I can't see how.
The truth is orderly, calm, loving, peaceful, wise. It has all the answers to the questions. When a new one pops up, you just refer to the truth. It seems like the truth has all the keys I need to all the doors I want to unlock. And the most important door is me. Who am I on this planet and how do I relate to the truth? Am I in its light or under the shadow of ignorance? The answer must be in my heart. People can't tell me what is the truth, books fail to explain it, and my mom (she says she's always right) forgot the way to it.
One of the important characteristics of the truth is that it is orderly. My thoughts are so random and chaotic, but the truth should organize them. That's what I desperately need because when my thoughts are without order, they are without beginning and without end. It's like and infinity sign which leads me to nowhere. Yes, the truth should liberate me from these random painstaking thinking processes and allow me to be productive in the areas in which I can be most useful. God, help me with this!
For instance, why do I go to church and why am I a Christian? Why did I yell at my brother when I just could have said it calmly? How can I be a better person? Do I have anything good in me at all? Why when I'm just trying to question people's ideas, they think I go against them? Who am I?
These and other numerous questions are constantly bombarding my mind. I must read a lot to satisfy at least a portion of my curiosity. People think I'm a nerd, but it just happens that thoughts don't allow me to sit still. It's almost as if I'm possessed. I'm always in search of truth. Oh, truth... When I'm trying to reach for it, it seems farther away. It's like a horizon which is always somewhere out there. The truth should set me free, but I can't see how.
The truth is orderly, calm, loving, peaceful, wise. It has all the answers to the questions. When a new one pops up, you just refer to the truth. It seems like the truth has all the keys I need to all the doors I want to unlock. And the most important door is me. Who am I on this planet and how do I relate to the truth? Am I in its light or under the shadow of ignorance? The answer must be in my heart. People can't tell me what is the truth, books fail to explain it, and my mom (she says she's always right) forgot the way to it.
One of the important characteristics of the truth is that it is orderly. My thoughts are so random and chaotic, but the truth should organize them. That's what I desperately need because when my thoughts are without order, they are without beginning and without end. It's like and infinity sign which leads me to nowhere. Yes, the truth should liberate me from these random painstaking thinking processes and allow me to be productive in the areas in which I can be most useful. God, help me with this!
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