My thoughts are becoming more and more confusing when I meditate on many different things. Let's pick marriage. I've seen guys older than me (25+) who were almost moaning because they wanted to get married, but couldn't find an appropriate partner. Many authoritative people I talked to, strongly advice to start a family before 25 years old. However, as far as I see, every person's purpose in life is to find what he was meant to do. That's important because otherwise one will not live up to his potential. Conversely, finding a perfect couple is not within our competence. It's purely a matter of chance. Most of the people wouldn't agree with me and I myself am not sure whether I'm right.
Let's pick another subject, like church. Church is a congregation of people who organize together to worship God and live according to His will. But, why many churches today look like a place of entertainment, professional speakers, contemporary music? While all these is not bad, church is not a place for that. There should be a comfort of Holy Spirit, passionate preachers, and sincere worship. If church doesn't possess it, where else people will find all that? My church became a battlefield of these two worldviews. On the one hand, it attracts and keep people entertained by professional means. Otherwise, how else will you make them interested? On the other hand, there are people who try to reach out for God and encourage others to do the same. These two worldviews are constantly fighting in me and I feel so confused about what the real God's church should be like.
Another subject of my constant thinking is myself. I found two of them. One is very thoughtful, often overwhelmed by the world he sees, tries to define everything around to have a better picture. He loves to be alone and he's cowardly (although he believes he's just apprehensive). Another is frivolous, light-hearted, full of love and imagination. For him every desperate situation looks fine. He's very positive, courageous, happy. For some reason, which is hard to trace back to, my thoughtful self got better of the positive one a long time ago. The only time when I'm frivolous is when I'm on parties because my thoughtful one doesn't like being there.... does it sound like schizophrenia? Well, I don't care. I'm so much tired of bashing myself for every little mistake I did. Think about everything which leads me more to confusion rather than the truth. I was tempted and chained by my depressing self. But, I now want to become free and do everything not because I need to, but because I'm passionate about it.
Let's pick another subject, like church. Church is a congregation of people who organize together to worship God and live according to His will. But, why many churches today look like a place of entertainment, professional speakers, contemporary music? While all these is not bad, church is not a place for that. There should be a comfort of Holy Spirit, passionate preachers, and sincere worship. If church doesn't possess it, where else people will find all that? My church became a battlefield of these two worldviews. On the one hand, it attracts and keep people entertained by professional means. Otherwise, how else will you make them interested? On the other hand, there are people who try to reach out for God and encourage others to do the same. These two worldviews are constantly fighting in me and I feel so confused about what the real God's church should be like.
Another subject of my constant thinking is myself. I found two of them. One is very thoughtful, often overwhelmed by the world he sees, tries to define everything around to have a better picture. He loves to be alone and he's cowardly (although he believes he's just apprehensive). Another is frivolous, light-hearted, full of love and imagination. For him every desperate situation looks fine. He's very positive, courageous, happy. For some reason, which is hard to trace back to, my thoughtful self got better of the positive one a long time ago. The only time when I'm frivolous is when I'm on parties because my thoughtful one doesn't like being there.... does it sound like schizophrenia? Well, I don't care. I'm so much tired of bashing myself for every little mistake I did. Think about everything which leads me more to confusion rather than the truth. I was tempted and chained by my depressing self. But, I now want to become free and do everything not because I need to, but because I'm passionate about it.
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