From the day when I was born, I wanted to be happy. I guess everybody does. I've read Qua'ran and the Bible. I've met God in the Pentecostal church and I know that I have the relationships with Him. However, the pressure of longing to be happy only increases over time. I want to earn my bachelor in Computer Science, get a job, start to work on my Music Composition Degree, then move to a big city like New York. After that I will be happy... maybe.
Let's rewind a little bit. I just left the church that I dearly love and care about. It is the church where I grew up spiritually, where I've met people whom I can call my brothers and sisters. The pastor wounded me so much that I can't stay there anymore. I must move on. The people there have told me that I have some kind of potential, a gift. But, I can't see anything. On the contrary, a lot of what I see in this particular church makes me sick. If I would be a pastor, it would be the smallest church ever because I can't stand when people of authority exploit the ones they have to serve to. But, I guess that's what a lot of pastors were made for.
So, now I feel completely shattered. I'm disconnected from my friends, relatives, and the people in general. It's a great time to think things through.
Why am I doing what I'm doing? I'm pursuing my CS degree because I need a decent profession and I somewhat like it. However, my passion lies in music. Specifically, composing. I hear so much music within that it brings me pain because I can't express it. I somehow feel that if I'm not going to be an expert in music composition, then I'm going to be the most miserable person on earth despite the wealth I might get. So, should I stop studying for CS and focus all of my effort on music? I don't have enough courage. I'm not convinced and I can't risk it. I chose to pursue my degree and take private piano classes. Thank God, I've found a better piano teacher than I could ever imagine! He's strict, demanding, but friendly and passionate about what he's doing. I hope that by the time when I'll be done with my CS degree, I will be proficient enough in piano, so I can start composing what I have in my heart. In addition to that I've been asked to join a worship band, and that's something that I didn't even pray about because I thought I'm not worth it. Furthermore, I've been presented with an offer to work in the laboratory and do some programming for them if I will get high enough GPA. The GPA they are asking for is way higher than the one I have. But I've got a year and a half to work on it. Therefore, the plan is to study piano, study CS, and play for the band.
However, besides all of this there's an anxiety inside of me. What if I'm just doing things in vain? What if it's the things of this world that distract me from the true purpose? How to find which purpose is true and which is not? Go after my heart or my logic? Or both if possible? What if these paths lead only to more frustration and a spiritual dead end? Who's going to tell me which path is right? After all I just want to be a happy person.
I'm coming to the conclusion that happiness is a true indicator of which life path to choose. If you're happy about what's you're doing, you'll be successful in it, eventually. And here's an interesting thing, I know that I was never truly happy and satisfied deep inside. John Piper, the author of "Desiring God", says the following:
Let's rewind a little bit. I just left the church that I dearly love and care about. It is the church where I grew up spiritually, where I've met people whom I can call my brothers and sisters. The pastor wounded me so much that I can't stay there anymore. I must move on. The people there have told me that I have some kind of potential, a gift. But, I can't see anything. On the contrary, a lot of what I see in this particular church makes me sick. If I would be a pastor, it would be the smallest church ever because I can't stand when people of authority exploit the ones they have to serve to. But, I guess that's what a lot of pastors were made for.
So, now I feel completely shattered. I'm disconnected from my friends, relatives, and the people in general. It's a great time to think things through.
Why am I doing what I'm doing? I'm pursuing my CS degree because I need a decent profession and I somewhat like it. However, my passion lies in music. Specifically, composing. I hear so much music within that it brings me pain because I can't express it. I somehow feel that if I'm not going to be an expert in music composition, then I'm going to be the most miserable person on earth despite the wealth I might get. So, should I stop studying for CS and focus all of my effort on music? I don't have enough courage. I'm not convinced and I can't risk it. I chose to pursue my degree and take private piano classes. Thank God, I've found a better piano teacher than I could ever imagine! He's strict, demanding, but friendly and passionate about what he's doing. I hope that by the time when I'll be done with my CS degree, I will be proficient enough in piano, so I can start composing what I have in my heart. In addition to that I've been asked to join a worship band, and that's something that I didn't even pray about because I thought I'm not worth it. Furthermore, I've been presented with an offer to work in the laboratory and do some programming for them if I will get high enough GPA. The GPA they are asking for is way higher than the one I have. But I've got a year and a half to work on it. Therefore, the plan is to study piano, study CS, and play for the band.
However, besides all of this there's an anxiety inside of me. What if I'm just doing things in vain? What if it's the things of this world that distract me from the true purpose? How to find which purpose is true and which is not? Go after my heart or my logic? Or both if possible? What if these paths lead only to more frustration and a spiritual dead end? Who's going to tell me which path is right? After all I just want to be a happy person.
I'm coming to the conclusion that happiness is a true indicator of which life path to choose. If you're happy about what's you're doing, you'll be successful in it, eventually. And here's an interesting thing, I know that I was never truly happy and satisfied deep inside. John Piper, the author of "Desiring God", says the following:
"The aim of [a person] is to be happy in God, to delight in God, to cherish and enjoy fellowship with God."I could never get it. I want to do this and that and have my satisfaction in the things I create. But, John says it's not what the life is about. That's what concerns me. Happiness is not in possessing or creating, but in delighting in God. I think Piper made a very important statement.
God, help me to learn how to love You more than anything else in this world. I want to enjoy knowing You and do what You want me to do. Help me, help me! I can't learn it by myself, I need Your divine "eye opening." Take the burden of anxiety from me. Fill me with your satisfaction. Let me give my life to you!
No comments:
Post a Comment